ms. alexia lustra or leslie if ya know me ;-) (alexia_lustra) wrote,
ms. alexia lustra or leslie if ya know me ;-)
alexia_lustra

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wanna know me?

this is basically my 1st entry here, i will continue this later, but just so people get some idea about who i am im gonna repost this entry made in my old journal, molesss2001...


a ways back i said i was gonna start telling about all the horrible things done to me or that i did...so im starting now...birth to 7. if i never told you some of this stuff dont feel bad. not cause i dont love or trust you...mostly cause i just cant say most of it out loud...anyway, i dont want sympathy (although if you feel the need to give it that's cool) and i dont wanna be judged, that's key. nothing nice to say...then SHUT THE FUCK UP!


i was born june 17th, 1982, about 6 am. the first horrible thing...not that my being born was horrible, but that im sure birth is just a fucked up thing to go through...i was the result of a rape. my mother was raped by her fiance my father. she told him she wasnt in the mood, and he took it. pure and simple. rape...and i was nearly aborted...but she couldn't afford it. so there we go...

nothing happened from then -4. i was a happy kid. i should have been in pepsi commercials considering pepsi and mashed potatoes was all i'd eat. i was fat. and cute. and happy. life was good.

at 4 my dad administered my 1st whopping cause i stuck the fluffy pad in a makeup compact up my nose. i was busy. anyway, he beat me. and a week later beat me again cause i dialed 911. no biggie.

@ 4 and a half my world changed. i tell everyone i dont remember anything before 7. i dont really. just incidents. little shit. but there are about 5-6 definite memories i have and most are violent. and this i remember clearly...

i never told anyone this...anyone. my mother knew cause, well that will be said later. and a therapist or two, other than that no one...why? i dunno...

cause i use to blame myself, cause i think peopel will judge me as psycho or weird...i dunno. just cause...so here goes...

i was staying over my uncle and aunts on my dads side. my dad and mom were splitting up, and shit was aloof around the house so they didnt want me there whilst they fought. anyway, my dad came over one afternoon to spend time with me. we played and then took a nap together... i remember everything about that day including the rain. when i woke up he was stroking himself...i didnt move, i was afraid to breathe, but he knew i was up, and he started asking me stuff. did i like it? did i wanna touch it? just shit...i said no, but he made me anyway. i cried, and he kept kissing me. not my mouth, no, but my face, and neck. then he undressed me and kissed my stomach, and chest. and then he started rubbing my crotch through my shorts, and my aunt walked in...

no one told @ first. he made up some lie about a fever. it was only us 3 in the house, and i pretty much just think she was scared. he went home and left me there that night. the next day i went home cause supposedly he and my mom were staying together. we stayed for another 8 months. during this time there were other incidents. mostly blocked out...but there were more...

during this period to make up for the first time, and then later the next few times my dad bought me stuff. one thing was a puppy named tico. tico was a schnauzer, and really cute. my first pet...he got hit and killed by a truck two weeks after i got him.

anyway, at five my dad threw me off the roof. i was playing w/ him in his room. he was tickling me, i bucked back and knocked over and broke a bottle of his expensive cologne, and he was gonna beat me. i tried to run away, and ran up on the roof, where my brother use to sometimes hide. he followed me, found me, and grabbed me and swung me around, and kind of threw me off the roof. im sure it was an accident, all the same things got broke...lots of things...

next still at five, one day finally, at the end of things he and my mom were fighting, my brother, and some cousins and i were chilling out on his car, he came running out and before i could hop off like everyone else (i was the smallest) he started the car, and drove away, after a second i slipped off the rear hood, and sliced my leg open on the license plate...

ok so this is the end of 5. less than a week later after hearing about all the damage my daddy was doing my aunt came over and told my mom what she had saw. my mom questioned me carefully, and i told her yea it was true and that it was still happening. she called the police, and basically we left. we moved to springfield, ill that night w/ her sister (i was born in st louis, mi) and we went through less than a year in court proceedings. basically they were finally divorced, and the charges of sexual misconduct, etc, to a minor were thrown out of court because the judge was an idiot and didnt believe my aunt (she at the time used heroine) and never gave me a chance to tell my side. so we moved.

we moved from there to la, to vegas, to texas, stayed in hawaii for about a month, then moved to north carolina...this the next thing...not too bad to me, but it resulted in bad shit...

we stayed in north carolina near my oldest brother (now deceased) and his gf's (@ the time) home. his gf had a son a year younger than me, @ that time i was close to turning 6. anyway, he and i were playmates. and one day @ my house he asked me if i wanted to have sex. i think, i believe i knew what it was @ that time. ohhh...i forgot to mention i had started masturbating shortly after the 1st incident w/ my father. i didnt really do it to get off. i didnt get off, but i rubbed myself constantly. i humped things. things of that sort...i dont really know why...but anyway....so i said yes to the boy, and we crawled under my bed, and took off our clothes from the waist down...he got behind me and slipped his penis into the crack of my ass, and began to rub. we were like that for about @ least 5 minutes when my brother caught us. no beatings, we just had to sit in the living room w/ my mom and watch leave it to beaver...

anyway, less than a month later i started having discharge in my panties. this milky creamy stuff. freaked my mom out. i went to the dr. and they said i had clamydia (sp?). she freaked. she asked me where i thought i got it, or what happened. i told her no one was touching me anymore, and that i thought i got it from marvin...she said it couldn't have happened that way...it had to be from something else. i swore to her that it was just from marvin. so she told marvin's (im sorry that was the boy) mother to get him checked, and he had it, and so did his mom, and so did my brother. skipping that marvin had it, which i dunno how he got it unless his mom gave it to him or something, she thought my brother did it. it was really a vicious cycle for a while...and so i started to lie...

i told her that some dude, a janitor @ school had come in the bathroom while i peed and stuck his thing in me. i had to describe him so i made it up, he was white, and kind of skinny w/ red hair and blue eyes. this was all a lie...but i didnt want anything to happen to my brother, and i didnt know what else to do. she wouldn't believe me...so that's what i said...

either way the school never found him. cops never found him, and we moved again. to delaware and maryland for a short while.

during our stay here one day i was outside playing jump rope in the road w/ friends. hmmm...my brother and some of his friends were riding bikes. they came riding up, and i was too scared to move so i got mowed down by 3 or 4 bikes. that sucked...

then to boston, and we finally settled in worcester, ma. this is where this chapter will end...

my mom had started drinking heavily from north carolina to worcester. my older brother watched me a lot. he had a porn magazine. so @ 7, which is the age i was at when we finally moved to worcester, my mom was @ work and my brother left me home alone while he bout my birthday present. there was a porn magazine on the top of the tv. i read and masturbated and he caught me...funny. he probably wouldn't remember it...

so that's it for now...we'll move on to more some other time...sorry if this was a lot...it was somewhat hard to remember...anyway...later!

alexia_lustra
Tags: stuff about me
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